Ideas

 Once again I struggle with words

I need some innovation

Will I have dreams of helpful prompts 

Or wake with new frustration 

Half asleep an idea does come

But I'll remember when I wake

Now I am awake, I cannot recall

So I'm back to frustration! Faff sake!

So now bed, this time with a pad

A pen and Dictaphone 

I mutter ideas in the land of dreams

My words are clear and known

The dictaphone recorded my words

I feel giddy now I'm awake

Nope, my mistake, I now hear my words

"I'm being chased by a chicken, send cake!"

I have some weird dreams...

Ode to short

Tonight my poem is quite wee

I cannot think of stuff you see

At least theres something you can view

I'm just afraid it will have to do.

I know my dearest mum will say

I think it is too short today

But sorry dear, my words are fleeting 

Which is why today I feel like cheating

Diana dogs

 Diana of the moon

Had lovely dogs for smooches 

Snuggle-russ and Pooch-ocion*

Her loyal faithful pooches

Hunting stags and other beasts

Her gorgeous dogs would travel

Wonder if her dogs had fleas

Or scratched their bums on gravel...

 It's something I think about late at night...

Don't get me started on Cerberus, the three headed dog

When ablutions happen, do they take it in turns?

*Spellings vary, or in fact are totally different.

Normal thoughts

 I try and think of simple words

to say how I do feel

Try and tell others folks

But they'll say it's not real 

My mind is foggy with suspense 

Is my thoughts fantasy?

Is that why people say

'you think too much you see'

But what is real? I ask them

What is a normal mind ?

Not one hint of suggestion 

So answers' hard to find

Innit

Time to change some letterz

So me words will sound more kewl

Nope! My brain isn't wired for silly talk. That's enough of that nonsense

Idiot review

Folk like to use these fancy notions 

Getting miffed when others like to speak

Look at me, yes you're weird

I'm upset!. That's the fear

But I'd forget what you said by next week

If your faith thinks their lifestyle is evil 

There's sure to be faith that hates you

But it doesn't matter now

Worship, dragons, trees or cows

Or the great Pokémon Pikachu 

Don't push your beliefs on people (me)

For your values could be odd or quite weird   (Mine are)

Don't wear fish or green grass

Or have pets with no arse

Or eat anything with hair or a beard

It just seems a misunderstanding 

When folks get upset when online

Don't act like a prat

Just because they hates hats

People do make mistakes all the time

I find age tends to fuel many problems

And myself tends to find ideas quite bold

Is it two plus two four?

But that chap said its more

You can't rewrite you brain when you're old

Shout them out if it helps to change things

Shout about the help for others too

Just be kind show you care

Baby steps, but be aware

There will always be an idiot review 

To quote my lovely dear father

'"Everyone's entitled to their wrong opinion

But the moment you point it out, your opinion is also wrong"'

Clothes

Clothes shouldn't have pronouns 

They shouldn't be female or male

It's sexist to think all girls like pretty

We lack such a choice on a rail

What is the thing with one size fits all

They assume all us women are straight*

dresses for chaps. Their boobs don't need room

and their hips never seem to gain weight

The rumours that girls carry more items

But provision of  pockets aren't there

handbags are awkward, they get in the way

So the lack of a pouch is unfair

Most of my clothes are not very average

I'm wide so the choices are grim

I given up looking for feminine clothes

So my pronouns of clothes are 'for him'

* Straight as flat, in a non bendy way

The knitting witches

Cast the circle, pull up a chair

Park your bottom anywhere

Call the corners, need more rows

On this pretty crochet throw

Ask the priestess what she thinks

Is this wool that colour pink

Knitting needles cast a spell

No dropped stitches, mote it well

Invoke the pearl and sometimes knit

In-between the tales of wit

Crochet hook in deosil squares

Secret signs and patterns share

Smell coffee drink the tea

Happy knitting witches we

Wool will run out in the end

But we'll always be good friends

Hero

Holding out for a hero

Need a strong and faithful type

faithful lovely Mr Sheen

My furniture needs a wipe

Please can you save me

Mr muscle, do my drains

While you're there, please clean the sink

Remove the splashes and stains

Dark pagan

 Pagan author Kimberley Morgan has asked me to write a well meaning poem about the darker side of paganism.

It's like she doesn't even know me.

The darker side of paganism

A shadowed place at night

They haven't changed their batteries 

Which is why it has no light

Their chaos in their magic

Their eyes in shadows squint 

No wonder it turns to chaos 

For they cannot read the print.

They like their moody colours

To match their obscure hearts

It really can get boring

glancing down the Dulux chart

With blackened doors and windows

And ceilings, walls and drapes

They cannot find the exit

Can't find the door! God's sake!

They fumble in the darkness

Their hands stretched out in vain

And barefoot stand on lego skulls

Which is why they seem in pain

Rain

The weather girls prediction 

In the year  1983

Was all about the rain

about how deadly it could be

It's raining men! They shouted

Get on the streets? Go home!

The streets are full of flooding

With Y male chromosome 

It's raining men? How awful

It's loud when we get hail

The noise of men all falling

Must have been full scale

Forget about umbrellas 

I think you'll need hard hats

Getting wet is obvious 

When raining men go splat

Thankfully our weather 

Is not as bad as then

We get, it's raining cats and dogs

But at least it don't rain men.

When the title of the poem is longer than the actual poem

 My writing skills are zero today

Doodah diddly hey

Hot stuff

If kings of Leon were women of a certain age

Midnight, I'm sweating, turn in my sleep

Duvet controls me, annoys me

Open the window, fall in a heap

Duvets in muddles, in puddles..

Menopause, my ass is on fire

It feels that way, when I do perspire

Need to wear layers, just now in case

Cool when I'm hot, hot when I'm cool

Bet all the shops, have heating on full

Jumper regretting, I'm sweating 

Menopause, my ass is in flames

Oh lawd, I hope that it rains.

Going to Tesco, need something cool     

Silly emotions, weeping a smidge 

Feeling a hot flush, I get in a fridge

I will now linger, between fish fingers

Menopause, my ass needs to go

I've Been banned, from the local Tesco...

         

King of the. Where's the road

 

Throw out the highway code

Travelling on your local road

Patchwork in tarmac strips

I've just lost my tic tac mints

I've had, whiplash and aching limbs

Worse when the weather's grim

Yes, I'm, potholes are scary

King of no road

Craters of shape and size

Call the lifeboat cos a cars capsized

Councils thrown in the wrench 

This one is bigger than the Mariana trench

I've lost, tyres to caverns deep

Now a waterhole to local sheep

Yes, I'm, potholes are scary

King of no road

I've lost most my tyres in every town

You can't see holes when it's peeing it down

Got in a muddle thinking it's a puddle

King of no road 

Fans

 Folks do go on bout their fans

So thought I would join in

I looked at them the other day

Three went in a bin

In truth they were not working

Their actions seemed deflated 

What is the point of fans

When their actions are back dated

Of course I have my favourites

I keep them close to hand

I have hot flushes now and then

So it's good to have sound fans.